Yes, love again. Flowers, hopes, dreams. Just when I feel so right, so happy, like I've made it... I'm alone again. Choices were made. I opted for love. She opted out. I can't sleep. My mind is racing. My heart is pounding. My mouth is so dry. It has only been a few hours. How many times will a best friend and lover tell me what a wonderful and kind man I am as she walks out of my life? Cruel planet. Cruel ugly polluted lonely planet. Tonight, this morning, in the stillness, in my empty bed, in my aching trustful head ... I feel lost. 4:38 AM. 20 hours, no sleep. The price of allowing yourself to feel love fully ... is feeling love's loss fully. 6:12 AM. Is it worth it? 8:25 AM, still awake. 24 hours, I can't sleep. I'm cold. Shivering. Still staring at the walls. My heart is drenched in "why?" 6:30 PM. 44 hours with no sleep. I'm going over everything. 9:12 PM. 47 Hours. Still can't sleep. I'm a mess. My ears are ringing. She said she'd call. No call. Was I just played by a player? Where is this love I love tonight? Not with me. The bird's in flight. Another lonely lesson learned: Most real love is not returned.April 20, 6:30 AM. 55 hours awake. Battling myself. I've been stuck in the past. Hung up on a love long gone. Feeling that void, that loss, over and over. Some things fill the void, but they don't make you whole. So, over the past week I've been doing some mental surgery. Fixing a hole, where the rain gets in. It still itches around the stitches, but less each day. I feel me heal. Not for her, for me. Not soon enough to save this new love, but nevertheless... A new leaf. We are all self repairing. Face your demons. Chase them out of your house. Fix the foundation, then fill your space with friends. Clean house before inviting a new guest in ... respect love from day one. It is not enough to know what is wrong. You must act. Make it right. Good lessons.
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