Private: Realizations of Love Addiction Withdrawl and Self Rejection

Warning: Contains psychological nudity.

Break up, Day 4: My body must actually be physically addicted to the woman I've dated for the last three months. The torment I feel is indescribable. It's like emotional torture. Is this normal? It can't be healthy.

One minute I'm fine. Then I think of something I want tell her, or of how I'd love to kiss the back of her neck again, I think of her cute reactions to things, all the things she says and does, things I'd like to do for her, how much I miss her ... and the horribleness grabs me and I weep with a deep wretched sadness, my body screams, longing for her with every cell.

I'm sure this sounds absurd, but this is my experience.

I'm embarrassed to say it, but this is actually my experience every time a love relationship ends where I'm not the one to do the breaking up. ( If I'm the one who breaks it off, I usually feel sort of free and hopeful. ) So what is my problem?

Following it logically and honestly, I think that despite my outward confidence, despite my achievements and good friends, I feel deeply unworthy of true love. Being in love, I see things from her point of view. If she rejects me, then I reject me too.



That's it! That's my problem. Self rejection. That is why I'm taking this so hard. I believe in her more than in myself right now.

My confidence is shot. To be honest it has probably been sinking for a few years. I stopped writing and performing, stopped making music; I've stopped feeling right with myself. Each time when love doesn't work out, I add the event to my collection of evidence that I'm no perhaps just no good.

And I know why. Yes, I do. It all goes back to my father leaving when I was 6 years old. I thought it was my fault somehow, that I'd caused my mother to suffer this amazing loneliness. I watched her sadness, I felt it too. Day after day she'd weep. And I felt guilty. And I still do.

So, in my life, I've turned to love for validation of my worth. When I have the love in my life, I feel great! During a relationship I believe in myself, I let myself feel joy. But depending on someone else for validation makes your relationships a roller coaster, especially if the woman you love is clinically depressed to the point of needing mood altering drugs. Any time she is unhappy, I'd feel unworthy again. I'd beat myself up and do almost anything to appease her, even against my own best self interests. I have stayed in relationships, for this reason, that were not the best for my own hopes, dreams and goals.

What to do now? Get my confidence back and enjoy the rest of my life, but I'm not sure where to start. And I keep coming back to how much I miss her.